The Wilderness
Ive had a hard time finding the desire to write. It has been a tough couple of months as I have been in a wilderness of sorts. Physically ,spiritually and emotionally I have been pioneering a new path. Finding my way through the unknown , having much of what I thought I knew get shifted and adjusted and roughed about.
My health has almost returned to normal …a new normal that is. One that involves Antihistamines, Inhalers and copious amounts of vitamins. I returned to exercise two weeks ago and my mental health has already improved. Never again will I take for granted the blessing of good health . I am working with a running coach and hope to be out on the trails when the wind isn’t blowing the pollen around. My coach has changed my running technique and I’m gobsmacked at how difficult and awkward that change feels. This is such an accurate metaphor when I think of the other “tweaks” Ive made in my life. Old habits truly do die hard.
Recently I received some really great counsel that is slowly and surely changing our families’ life. Its called emotional based reasoning . All of my life my emotions have been calling the shots…taking me on wild rides and deep valleys , setting the course for my days and directing my thoughts. Quite often they don’t tell the truth, they are coming from a distorted lens. Now that I have learned to ask myself “ Is that the thruth?” I am getting better at discerning my thoughts and thus having fewer emotional detours. The first time I tried to tell my teenage daughter that she didn’t actually need to believe her depressing dialogue about how no one likes her, it did not go well😂 But when we walked through the process of asking if the emotion portrayed an accurate and truthful situation , it became easier for her to see how we can deceive ourselves. No one is happier about this new strategy then Sean! He’s been witness to A LOT of emotion this past year.
Speaking of our fearless leader , Sean has had some pretty trying times here in Capetown. Trying to come to terms with the systematic deception and corruption in the business realm has led him back to teaching. A couple days a week Sean is back in the classroom teaching business skills to farmers and agriculture students. He is enjoying the challenge of adapting the curriculum to the circumstances and is working on building relationships with his students. Neither task is easy. A commonly repeated narrative here is that the black South Africans don’t want to work hard and expect handouts. We are often reminded that “if you offer your hand, they will take your arm”. It becomes very challenging to sift through all the different bias’s that have emerged over the years, to stay hopeful , helpful and open minded.
Changing my thoughts , medications and running form have been the least significant alterations I have undergone compared to what my spirit has gone through. Leaving Calgary meant leaving a faith community that I was very fond of. I loved going to church every Sunday with a couple hundred likeminded friends and being inspired by the meaningful messages I heard there. Now our family does bible study once a week with two other families in our home. Its not that there aren’t hundreds if not thousands of wonderful churches we could attend here, its that we are more interested in discovering what God has to say for ourselves . Let me be clear that I totally believe in church, it just takes different forms at different times in our lives. Right now I love that we sit and have discussions with our children and our friends and we internalize what we learn through discovery . In a country where there are as many interpretations of the scripture as there are cultures , it seems fitting that we discover it for ourselves. One of the great affirmations of my faith since arriving on the continent is that God is personal and he alone provides hope. I have seen it everywhere I go ,little pockets of hope , the poorest of them all filled with Joy , for no good reason other then they believe in a father that loves them.
My next big challenge starts Monday. I will be going to one of Cape-towns poorer public hospitals to explore whether or not I am built for mentoring new moms. A good friend of mine who is currently filling this need is moving back to America . I admit I’m pretty terrified . Not so much for my physical safety etc.,but rather will I be able to connect with these new moms that are taking their babies to a very different definition of home then anything I can fathom. Again I am being led into the wilderness , a place I don’t know my way around, where my compass may not be calibrated to the environment. Again I rely on my true north…the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
I guess that’s why I called it Numinous… A powerful feeling of both fear and fascination, of being in awe and overwhelmed by what is before you.
